Re: don't want to be naive Posted by belleofyourball 5/3/2012 2:35:00 PM
I understand how you are feeling and why you are feeling the way you do. It makes sense. Anyone who loves someone else and sees them suddenly in what feels like a very compromising situation and hasn't been in it themselves is going to feel the way you do. Why do you feel that way...because you love her. My fiance feels the same way but we have come to an understanding because he trusts me...most of the time. Sometimes we argue about it to be honest but my intentions are pure and we have worked out a system that helps him not feel insecure about when I am dancing. That includes the fact that the only dancing I do is in competition, showcase, or formal instruction. He still gets jealous and there are some moves that make him really angry and I try to minimize them because I love to dance but my relationship with him is more important that a lift that makes him uncomfortable.
I am going to be honest with you. For some women this is all about the dancing. Culturally men and women have danced, and danced ballroom for more than a century. There are rules and etiquette that go with the fact that men and women danced with all sorts of people not just their husbands and wives. Way back in the way back machine men and women went dancing together, it cut out the jealousy and both understood what their partner was really up to when they were dancing with others because they were there dancing too. I wish my sweetheart would come dance too. He doesn't really want to but he understands that dancing is important to me.
Close hold is close. But it shouldn't involve the 'bumping of uglies.' On rare occasions because I do something wrong or my partner does something wrong (sometimes I dance with women) there is a grazing tenth of a second contact followed by an apology. If her breasts or crotch or his crotch are in contact of any sort one of the two of them is doing something wrong. If it stays in contact then you have something to worry about. When in close hold my rib cage (bones) are connected with his, no breasts touch him and I have large breasts. The hips work forward and back so that even though it looks really intimate mostly the only thing that rubs is an occasional inner knee against knee or foot against foot. I will be honest and say I have danced in close hold for years and I only ran into his 'stuff' once and that was during a lift and included him miserably squirming on the floor.
For some women and men this is not about the dancing. It is about the flirtation and they want to have an imaginary relationship with their partners. There are several people on here begging for advice because they've fallen in love with their dance partners who are married or haven't reciprocated or they are scared to ask or whatever. There are unscrupulous dance instructors who prey upon people who are lonely and insecure to get money out of them. Some people do fall in love when they are dancing with each other...but some people fall in love standing in line at a grocery store.
Figure out what it is you know about your wife. Go out with her to dance or ask if you can tag along. If she isn't doing something wrong then what's the problem? You want to meet the other people then go to the group lesson when you are in town. My sweetheart knows everyone I dance with and it takes the fear out of it for him.
Now I want to address something else you said...and it has nothing to do with dancing and I am speaking as a mental health professional because that is what I do for a living. It seems to me that this is less about the dancing and more about the being apart and feeling insecure about what she is doing when you aren't there. I can't help but wonder if you lived closer together would she be out so often? I imagine you are feeling the same way. You need to be clear about what you are really unhappy about and if you really trust her. You also need to understand that maybe what this is about is being lonely fo