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Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by Freya LeFey
9/1/2013  7:40:00 PM
I find myself in a similar place as you. Here's the plan I developed to figure out what is going on.
1. The lessons are about me, not about him. Ask for nothing other than what you are paying for. If you dress nice for your classes you are doing so so that you like what you see in the mirrors, etc. I don't even instigate hugs. Seven lessons in and he finally instigated a hug and it was a great hug at that.
2. Give him a background check via the internet and don't tell him. Practice your surprise for when he tells you the things you have already gleaned so that you are not hungry to get to know him better. Independent research doesn't lie.
3. If he starts probing with questions about things other than dance make him admit that he wants to know. If he does he probably cares about you.
4. Don't be afraid to warn him off a little. In the pick-up artist community this is called a "neg". Examples include: backhanded compliments, feigned frustration, etc. This might seem counter intuitive but someone that genuinely likes you when negged unexpectedly will seek your validation.
Try reading The Game by Neil Strauss for pointers.
Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by swoop7
4/22/2012  6:44:00 AM
I think a lot of people have experienced this. I enjoy going to my studio and I enjoy the people that are there. But it is definitely a business. They embrace (Literally) you when you walk in, when you walk out, and it's a very friendly atmosphere with flirting going on all over the place. My instructor is an intelligent beautiful younger woman and of course she just has that look that screams "come to me". Let's be honest....most dance instructors are attractive people....

They flirt (for the most part) in order to keep the students coming back. Let's face it, if you weren't having fun at the studio, most would stop going. Left foot here, right foot there is not fun...it's the personal interaction with the other people that keeps us coming back. A real simple way to figure out if there are feeling between you and your instructor is finding out how he interacts with you outside of the studio away from a studio event. Does he call you on his personal phone to say hello or does he call you only from the studio?

When I leave my studio, I do not hear much from my instructor until my next lesson. I'm OK with that as well, but that solidifies the belief that the flirting is purely for business purposes. Also, perhaps you can hang out at the studio and watch your instructor interact with other students. Does he flirt with them also? If he does, then it's all part of keeping the money flowing through the studio.

My point is, if the instructor is not making contact outside of the studio, then he is probably not interested and his actions are likely just to keep you coming back.

Just my two cents.
Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by LRVWB
12/20/2013  4:08:00 PM
Swoop7, that's the wisest answer I've read so far!
Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by Linda Schlensker
4/21/2012  7:14:00 PM
I am a female teacher and co-own a school. I saw some good points being made about some unethical teachers who do take advantage of students. Like any profession we do have our bad eggs. However, I would like to say that there are many of us who have policies in our schools that forbid teachers from dating students. If we regard ourselves as professional teachers, we have to be guided by professional ethics. Teachers are in a power position and must not take advantage of students. It is not unusual for students to develop an attraction to their teachers. Deep friendships can develop. However, in many schools, a teacher may be fired or be forced to hide a relationship that goes beyond friendship. What happens to you and your dancing if he is taken by surprise by your interest and doesn't feel as you do? Will you be able to continue dancing with him? What if he is a bad egg and will play your feelings in order to get cash? Teaching dance is his career. Perhaps you are his best student right now. What happens when another student come along who dances better than you. How are you going to feel about the fact that he spends every day with other women in his arms. Will you be wondering if he has feelings for any of them?

I would suggest that anyone who feels as you do should ask themselves some serious questions. Has my reason for taking dance lessons shifted from learning how to dance to paying for time with the one teacher I want to be with. Is the dancing even important anymore? If I had to choose between dancing or that person, which would it be. Would I be willing to ask my teacher to make the same choice?

I hate to sound like a wet blanket, but I have observed similar situations many, many times. It is rare for this to have a happy ending though there are a few times when it has worked out. My best wishes for you whatever you decide.
Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by sbrnsmith
4/26/2012  1:10:00 PM
I booked the last lesson on Saturday to see where it would lead me. I went into it with no specific plan, just to see how things go. We had a great lesson, and afterwards, we hung around the studio and talked. I did not want to rush anything or ruin the moment by asking him out. I just wanted to see where it would go. He seemed to be in no rush for me to leave and appeared to enjoy my company. We talked about our lives got to know each other a little better. Does not sound earth-shattering, but I got to know that he liked hanging out with me even when not dancing, he was relaxed and flirty, there was no talk of danceclasses or sales pitch of any kind, and he seemed to be geniunely interested in our conversation. I'm just going to slowly build on this and see how things go. Maybe in a few weeks, I'll have the courage to ask him out!
Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by ladydance
4/26/2012  3:02:00 PM
Good for you. Instructors are usually beat by the end of the day so if he didn't seem in a hurry, that's a good sign. I hope it works out, keep us posted!
Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by Student
3/16/2013  4:01:00 PM
So it's a year later. What happened?
Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by dancingstar
9/17/2013  10:07:00 AM
YES ALL DANCE TEACHERS ARE OFF LIMITS. THE BOTTOM LINE IS MONEY TO GET YOU TO
A COMP AND KEEP YOU TAKING LESSONS. THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE ONLY
TO MAKE A GOOD LIVING. WHEN YOU DANCE BALLROOM ESPECIALLY THE LATIN OUT ON
THE FLOOR ITS ALL AN ACT. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!!!!! THIS IS A BUSINESS
AND THEY ARE VERY GOOD AT TAKING YOU IN AND TAKING YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE.
Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by wlemery
9/25/2013  2:12:00 PM
I taught ballroom dancing for a little over ten years. Here's my take.

The unwritten rule in the industry is that the instructor does not date the students. I've seen this rule broken on several occasions and it never ended well.

What you're seeing when you come in for a lesson or go to a studio party is the very best your instructor has to offer. You do not see all the crap that happens outside the studio, nor are you seeing what happens behind the closed door of the teacher's lounge. Believe me, the two are vastly different.

Your instructor is in a position of power. He's an expert at emotional manipulation. We used to spend hours practicing flirting and manipulation in front of other instructors, and with other instructors heckling us. The theory being that if you could say it convincingly under the worst conditions we could provide, it'll be a cinch on the floor. We were right. I, when I was in the business, could say absolutely anything and be believed.

Your average dance instructor has the ethics of a chainsaw. It isn't that he doesn't care about you; he does. Just not as much as he loves that money.

So do not start dating this man. Or woman. Just tell him 'Thanks, but no thanks.'

If you ignore all this and insist on dating him anyway, bring your older brother, your eldest adult child or your protective uncle to the studio and introduce him. See what your family thinks, and remember: You'll never meet a con man you don't like.

Now me, I quit the business because I wanted to date my student. We're still together - but this whole dating thing was my idea, not hers. She turned me down the first time I asked her out; I had to feed her a few drinks before she'd accept a night on the town with me.
Re: Falling for my teacher
Posted by Voco
9/27/2013  2:06:00 AM
If there are rules for instructors not dating students, it is not taken seriously.

There are examples of both happy and sad consequences. I know one lady instructor who met her husband, a pretty high level competitor and instructor, as a student. In the beginning she was only interested in his dancing style. She took private lessons, as well as group lessons, and gradually they fell in love and now they are both instructors and happily married.

My own instructor was dating one of her students who was head over heels in love with her. We all became friends during the practice sessions and competitions. One day she told me that she ended it. She said she should not have dated a student. I said why not, it could have worked out well. I did not ask her why she ended it.

He started to dance pro-am with another lady instructor as he was trying to forget. My teacher married a non-dancer.

Many of the above comments are pretty negative on the moral standards of the instructors. Not all male instructors are gigolos or con-men. Neither are all lady instructors fem fatal.

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